


And We Make Our Mistakes

by GinnyK



Series: The World Turned Upside Down [15]
Category: Bull (TV 2016)
Genre: Confessions, Friendship, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 15:18:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17645282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Some missing scenes for the episode Separate Together.





	And We Make Our Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little reminder for those who are new to this series. It's an alternate universe where Marissa never got married and Bull never went to Arizona to recover.
> 
> Nothing belongs to me except my original character of Bull's assistant, Alex, who is only mentioned in passing in this one.
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos.

Benny had barely closed the car door behind him when he pulled his cell out of the inside pocket of his jacket to call Marissa.

“Hey Benny, how was dinner?” Marissa asked as she poured herself a cup of tea.

“Really odd, same as the rest of the day actually,” Benny muttered as he hit the button to cross the street.

“Something odd with the case?” Marissa asked, pretty sure she knew the answer to her question.

“Odd with our two co-counsel actually,” Benny sighed as he stepped off the curb. 

“Ah,” Marissa sighed.

“I just had a very uncomfortable dinner and an even more uncomfortable car ride with the two of them.  They spent the day snipping at each other,” he explained as he ducked into Starbucks to get out of the wind.

“Personal or case related,” Marissa asked carefully as she picked up her mug and blew a little on her tea.

“Oh definitely personal.  You told me to let you know when I think you need to worry about him.  Well, given everything I’ve seen lately…...” Benny trailed off.

“The time is now?” Marissa asked.

“Yeah,” Benny replied quietly.

Marissa rubbed a hand over her eyes.  Things had been going well all around for a few weeks.  They’d been busy but not crazy busy.  Bull had been good, stable, upbeat.  But with the return of Diana, who Marissa actually did like, he’d been acting more like the old Bull, the version that concerned her.

“Maybe give him a call.  But before you do, there’s something you should know.  At the courthouse, the morning before voir dire started, when I got there, Boss was asleep.”

“Asleep?” Marissa asked with a sigh, having a pretty good idea where this conversation was headed.

“I questioned Diana and she said they’d gone out for drinks the night before.  Sounds like he had two and fell asleep.”

“Drinks?  I’m going to kill him,” Marissa responded with barely concealed anger.

“Marissa, take a deep breath while I order my coffee.  I have a theory.”  Marissa did as Benny suggested while he ordered his coffee.  “Okay, are you listening?”

“Yes, Benjamin, I’m listening, what else would I be doing,” Marissa snorted.

“Settle down.  My theory is that Bull never told Diana about the heart attack.  As close as they are when she’s in town, I don’t think they talk all that much otherwise.  I think he’s trying to regain what he thinks he lost, he’s trying to feel normal, or more accurately, his old version of normal.  Make sense?”

“Makes complete sense,” Marissa admitted.  “Where was he when you go out of the car.  Was Diana still with him?”

“We dropped Diana off first.  He was headed in the general direction of home when he dropped me off.  I called you as soon as the car door closed behind me.  He’s probably home by now.  Why don’t you give him a call.  You can tell him I called you, that’s fine,” Benny said as he smiled at the barista who’d just called his name.

“I’ll give him a call in a minute.  Maybe he’ll want to talk.  It’s worth a try.  And I promise I won’t yell at him.”

“Good.  I’ll see you tomorrow.  Call if you need anything,” Benny offered as he pushed open the door of Starbucks.

“I will.  Thanks for calling.  You’re a good friend to him Benny.  Good night.”

“As are you.  Good night Marissa.”

Marissa finished her tea and debated what to do.  Eventually she just sent a quick text.

 

_MM-just talked to Benny.  Are you okay?_

_JB-honestly, not really_

_MM-do you want me to call you, we can talk for a while_

_JB-at the risk of breaking all kinds of rules and boundaries, can I come over?_

_MM-of course. Give me a minute to see if you have any pajamas and clothes here._

_JB-You think this will be a lengthy conversation?_

_MM-the length of the conversation will be up to you.  However, once you get here, relax and started to talk, it’s unlikely you’re going to get back up off my couch and go home_

_JB-you know me too well.  Take your time looking, I’m just driving around aimlessly.  Or riding around aimlessly if you want to get technical._

Marissa padded into her guest room and opened up the closet. She found two white dress shirts but no suit.  She knew he had at least two in Chunk’s office.  She took a quick look in the dresser and found boxers, socks, some sweatpants but no t-shirts.  But she knew she had at least one of two of his shirts in her own dresser.

 

_MM-you have everything but a suit and tie here.  But you have both at the office._

_JB-great, I’ll be there in about 10 minutes. Thanks._

Marissa turned the burner back on under the tea kettle and pulled another mug our of the cabinet.  She looked down at her outfit and for a fleeting moment thought about changing as she was wearing a pair of old oversized flannel pajamas and ratty slippers.  She found a hair tie on the counter and pulled her hair off of her face.  She silently declared herself ready for company. 

**********

As Bull headed down the final blocks to his destination, he found himself a bit unsure of how much to share with Marissa.  Did he share his failed attempt at intimacy with Diana?  Did he come clean about the drinking?  Part of him wanted to call Benny and asked about their conversation.  But he realized he’d made Benny feel awkward enough for one day.  Plus, the car had just pulled up in front of Marissa’s place.  With a shaky breath, he ran a hand through his hair and reached for his backpack.  He let his driver know he was free to head home. 

Two minutes later he stood at Marissa’s door, more nervous than he had expected.  He gave a quick knock and tried the knob, not surprisingly he found the door unlocked.  He stepped into the foyer and wearily called out her name as he dropped his backpack and took off his coat.

“Kitchen,” Marissa yelled back as she turned off the stove and poured the water for tea.

“Hey,” Bull muttered as he walked into the room, pulling at his tie.  She could tell he was a bundle of anxiety, he was shaking slightly and had that distant look in his eyes.

Marissa took one look at him and steered him to the nearest chair, not sure how long he was going to remain upright.  She gently moved his hands out of the way and finished undoing his tie, slipping it out from under his collar and undoing the top button of his white dress shirt.  She leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of his head as he tentatively wrapped his arms around her waist.  He let out a sigh of relief as she returned the embrace.  She rubbed his back for a minute, feeling his breathing slow down a little.

“Thanks for letting me come over,” he whispered as he lifted his head a little to look at her.

“You’re welcome,” Marissa whispered back as she unwrapped her arms and brushed back his hair.  She grabbed the mugs off the counter and handed him one, moving the basket of tea bags in front of him.  He wisely picked a decaf one, dropping it in the mug before leaning over with his elbows on the table, head in his hands.  “Are your pills in your backpack and do you want to take one?” she asked as she handed him a spoon and a packet of sweetener. 

“Yes and yes,” he replied quietly.  She got the pill out of his backpack and handed it to him with a glass of water.

Marissa sat next to him with her own tea.  She was pretty sure he wasn’t going to willingly start a conversation and she also was unsure of how to start it herself.  So they sat in comfortable silence with their tea for a little while. 

Bull finished his tea and set the mug aside before looking at Marissa.  “So, how much did Benny tell you?”

“It’s not that he told me anything really.  We’ve just been keeping an eye on….on you, since Diana came back.  We’ve seen some glimpses of the old Bull I guess is the best way to put it and we’re a little concerned,” Marissa said simply. 

“What glimpses have you seen?” Bull asked quietly, pretty sure he wasn’t going to like the path the conversation was going to take.

“Honestly, it’s hard to put into words.  I personally haven’t seen anything glaring.  It’s more of a feeling I have, knowing you as well as I do.  I hope that makes some sort of sense.”

“It does.  Thank you for your honesty.  And now it’s time for me to be completely honest,” he muttered as he pushed himself to his feet.  He stood in one place for a good 10 seconds before taking a step.  Marissa stayed where she was as she was pretty sure he wasn’t about to end up on the floor.  “I never told Diana about the heart attack.”  Marissa gave a little laugh and smiled at him.  “What’s the smile about?”

“Benny called it.  He guessed you hadn’t told Diana,” Marissa explained.

“That was obviously a big mistake on my part. And as a result of my not telling her, when she got back to town we just settled back into our old routine.  A routine that included going out for a few drinks,” he said quietly from the other side of the room.  He wasn’t sure what to expect, rage, understanding, tears, any combination of the three.  Marissa just nodded slightly, not saying anything for a minute.  When Bull didn’t continue the story, she spoke.

“And you ended up snoring away at the courthouse?” she teased.

“So Benny did tell you at least one thing,” he snorted.

“Yeah, he did,” Marissa admitted.

“Two drinks and I practically fell asleep.  Out of practice,” he muttered.

“As you should be,” Marissa said, using a little more force in her voice.

“Yeah.  And before you ask, no that wasn’t the only time,” he said quietly as he hopped up to sit on the counter.  Marissa motioned for him to continue, hoping he would do just that.

“Last night we went out, went out dancing of all things.  I didn’t want to go, I knew it wasn’t in my best interest but I went anyway.  I was completely uncomfortable with the whole thing, but having not told Diana about my current, uh, lifestyle changes, I went with her.  Eventually dancing turned to drinks and dancing and we made our way back to her hotel.  I don’t know how much I had to drink, lost count somewhere along the way,” he admitted as he took a deep breath. He braced his hands on the edge of the counter and kicked off his shoes, letting each fall to the floor with a thud.  He took a deep breath and swiped his hands over his eyes.  Something in his actions and the look in his eyes made Marissa cross the room and stand in front of him.  She put her hands on his knees as he leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead.  “You’re not yelling,” he whispered.

“I promised Benny I wouldn’t,” she chuckled.

“Is that the only reason?” Bull asked.

“No, it’s not.  I’m worried about you.  You look miserable and I’m fairly sure there’s more to the story.”

“You do know me too well.  Yes, there is more to the story.  And I will tell the whole thing, I promise.  But I need a minute.”

“How about you go get changed.  There is a pair of sweatpants on the bed and I’ll get you a shirt.”

“One of my shirts?” he teased as he slid off the counter and headed for the guest room.

“Shut up,” Marissa called over her shoulder as she headed for her room.

***********

Ten minutes later they were curled up on the couch in front of the fire.  Marissa was in the corner, feet on the coffee table.  As usual Bull was stretched out with his head in her lap. She had one hand on his chest and the other messing with his hair.  To his credit, he started talking without any prompting.

“So after the dancing we went back to her hotel with plans to, you know,” he muttered.

“Yeah, I don’t need a graphic description or visual aids,” Marissa teased.

“Anyway, by the time we got back there I knew things we not going to go well.  Looking back, I should have known it was a mistake.  But what can I say, I like her and I was, you know..”

“Drunk and horny,” Marissa guessed with an unladylike snort.

“Have I ever mentioned how much I love your bluntness,” he snorted right back.  Marissa stuck out her tongue in reply.  “We got to her hotel room, I went to use the bathroom while she “got more comfortable”.  Took about 5 seconds of being alone in the bathroom before the panic attack started.  I tried deep breathing, splashing water on my face, nothing was working.  My backpack was in the other room, so I didn’t have the Vistaril handy, not that it works that quickly anyway.  Managed to calm myself down to the point where I didn’t feel like puking.  I pulled my shirt back on, went into the other room and made up some lame excuse and left, leaving her confused, hurt and angry.  Not my finest moment.”

“Not at all.  So obviously you didn’t explain anything to her today?”

“No and that was a huge mistake. Not sure she would have even let me explain anything, so I didn’t even try.  So it was all business between us today.”

“Been there, done that.  It’s not all that much fun,” Marissa teased.  “All this explains the fact that you still looked like you wanted to puke this morning.”

“You didn’t see me this morning,” Bull pointed out.

“No, but Alex did and he texted me.”

“Great, tag team worrying.  And for the record I didn’t only look like I wanted to puke, by the time I saw Alex, I’d already puked.  Was not my finest morning, or day for that matter.”

“Or evening, cause here we are,” Marissa added helpfully.  “So, I don’t know the answer to my next question and if I’m prying, tell me to knock it off.”

“There’s really no danger of you prying,” Bull said with a wink.

“It’s been 6 months since your heart attack.  You haven’t, uh…..” Marissa trailed off his favor of making vague gestures.

“No, I have not slept with anyone since the heart attack.  I’ve been rather busy and truth be told, rather scared.”

“It’s understandable for you to be scared, Jason.  You know that.  And it’s not like you’ve been involved with anyone and you don’t really make a habit of one night stands.  But I can’t quite understand why you didn’t tell Diana, it’s been 6 months.”

“I wanted to tell her but we don’t talk all that often.  And I didn’t really think just calling her and blurting out that I nearly died would be the best idea.  So, more time went by and I just never got around to saying anything.  Then next thing I know, she’s on a plane to New York and here we are.  And now she’s angry, hurt and confused.  I’m anxious, scared and breaking all kinds of rules by being here on your couch at almost 9:30 on a weeknight.”

Marissa chuckled as she put a hand over his heart and tapped gently, something she did to get him to take a breath, take a step back and to focus.  “You want my suggestions?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” he replied honestly.

“Why don’t you make an appointment with your cardiologist, have him reassure you that you won’t die having sex.  Talk about this with your therapist and figure out some way to explain all this to Diana, as soon as possible,” Marissa said with a wink. 

“Sounds like a plan,” he agreed as he pulled his glasses off to rub his eyes a little.  Marissa took them from him and set them on the end table. 

“Pill kicking in?” she asked.  “You look a little better, not so pale and freaked out.”

“Yeah. Probably a combination of Vistaril, the tea and spending time with my best friend,” he replied sincerely as he reached to squeeze her hand.  His comment and gesture left Marissa a little emotional and he reached up to wipe away a stray tear.

“Promise me you’ll talk to Diana, as soon as this trial ends.”  Bull nodded silently.  “So, where’s this all going?  Assuming she’ll still be talking to you after you confess everything,” Marissa added with a smirk.

“I don’t know.  And I also don’t know where I want it to go. We have a good time when we’re together, or we do when I’m not being an idiot, but she lives half a country away, not sure I want to do the whole long distance thing.  I suppose I should enjoy it for what it is.  Not everything has to have a clear cut explanation, you taught me that.  Are you sure you want to hear all of this?” Bull asked, suddenly realizing that maybe Marissa didn’t want to hear about his love life or the prospect of his having one again soon.

“Why wouldn’t I want to hear it?  It’s your life and I care about you,” Marissa said simply.

“I don’t know.  It’s just that neither of us have been involved romantically with anyone since my heart attack.  And while I was recovering things got a little, what did we call it….too comfortable.  Lines were blurry and boundaries needed to be set when I came back to work.  And for the most part we’ve done pretty well with them.  At least I think so.”

“We’re doing just fine,” Marissa assured him as he brushed back his hair.  “I’m going to say something and I’m not sure how it’s going to come out so bear with me.”  Bull nodded for her to continue. “Yes, things were…are…very comfortable.  And it works for us and it has for a long time. Have you ever wondered how we’d be as something…..something more than what we are?” Marissa asked, happy for the darkened room as she could feel her cheeks turn red as soon as the words left her mouth.

“I’d be lying if I said no,” Bull said simply.

“But?”

“But, at the risk of sounding incredibly sappy and making you cry, I would never want to risk losing what we have here and now.  You are too important to me as my best friend for me to screw things up trying for more.”

“Agreed,” Marissa said with a little sniff.   True to his prediction, his words did make a her a little teary, although she’d already gotten a head start due to his earlier comment.  He reached up to wipe away her tears.  When he was done she leaned over to press a quick kiss to his forehead.  They were silent for a little while, words weren’t necessary.  She ran her fingers through his hair, trying to get him to relax a bit more, hopefully he’d be able to get some sleep.   When he looked like he was about to drift off she patted him on the hip to get him to move so she could get up.  Part of her hoped he’d just fall asleep on the couch.  Wouldn’t be the first night he’d spent there.

Marissa went into the kitchen to blow her nose.  She heard Bull head for the bathroom as she put the mugs in the dishwasher and set up the coffee maker for the morning.  So much for his being half asleep a minute earlier.

“Where’s your Advil?” he called from the guest bathroom. 

“My bathroom, second shelf on the left,” she called back. She locked the front door and turned out the lights before heading to see what Bull was doing.  He was sitting on the bed in the guest room, leaning against the headboard, knees pulled up to his chest.  Marissa turned off the overhead light and put his glasses and a bottle of water on the nightstand.  “You think you can get some sleep?” she asked as she motioned to him to stand up for a second so she could pull back the covers.  He nodded a little, crawled under the covers and predictably scooted over, leaving her room to sit on the edge of the bed.  She kicked off her slippers and sat cross legged on the bed, facing the headboard and him.  He rubbed at his eyes a little before motioning towards the light on the nightstand.  Marissa turned it off and scooted to sit next to him.  He gave her a weak little smile that didn’t quite ring true.  Throwing out all boundaries and lines they’d set Marissa opened up her arms and he crawled into them with an audible sigh of relief.  She felt him relax immediately.  Memories of the time they spent together during his recovery flooded back to both of them. 

“Thank you,” Bull whispered against her collarbone.

“You are more than welcome, Jason,” she whispered back as she rubbed his back.

Bull was asleep within 5 minutes.  Marissa held him for a few minutes longer, enjoying the closeness she’d been missing for months.  Eventually she nudged him over to the other side of the bed and covered him up.  She pressed a kiss to his forehead and padded to her room.

********

Marissa woke up, as usual, a few minutes before her alarm was set to go off.  The smell of the coffee brewing helped nudge her out of bed.  She glanced into the guest room as she walked by, the bed was empty and she heard the shower turn on as she went into the kitchen.  She poured herself a cup of coffee, turned on the television under the cabinet and sat down with her phone to check her email.

Bull wandered into the kitchen 15 minutes later, dressed in his suit pants from the day before and the clean shirt from the closet, which was still unbuttoned.  Hair wasn’t combed and his glasses were sitting a little crooked on his face.  He dropped into the chair opposite Marissa, realizing he should have poured himself some coffee before sitting down.  He started to get back up but she waved him off.  She refilled her mug and poured one for him, setting it in front of him before pressing a kiss to the top of his head.  She smoothed his hair a little and straightened out his glasses. 

“So our boundaries went out the window last night,” he teased as he reached for her hand.  “Only took 6 months,” he added with a chuckle.

“Yeah, I’m surprised it took us that long,” Marissa teased right back as she gave his hand a squeeze before sitting back down in her chair.  They watched the news and made small talk about the day ahead until Marissa realized she needed to get moving. 

“You want me to wait for you?” Bull asked as he poured himself another cup of coffee.  “I don’t need to stop home.  I have everything I need between here and the office.”

“Sure, I’ll be ready by 7:00,” Marissa called over her shoulder as she headed down the hall.

Bull wandered around with his coffee, gathering his things and putting on his shoes. 

At 6:53 they left her place and met the car outside.  Bull was expectedly quiet.  Marissa let him be for half the ride, eventually nudging him with her shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just running through what I need to do before I head to court.  I’ll call the cardiologist and make an appointment to see him.  And I’ll try to figure out a way to tell Diana, hey by the way I had a heart attack 6 months ago, that’s why I flaked and ran out while you were lying bed waiting for me,” he snorted. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as Marissa squeezed his hand.

“You’ll figure it out,” she assured him with a grin.

*******

Ten minutes later they were alone on the elevator. 

“Thanks again, for everything,” Bull whispered as he leaned over to kiss her cheek.  “Love you,” he added before straightening back up.

“Love you too,” Marissa replied as she reached up to kiss to his cheek, rubbing the spot with her thumb afterwards, in case she’d left behind a little lipstick.  “You should probably apologize to Benny, for what I’m not too sure,” she teased as the door slid open.

“I should actually thank him, for calling you in the first place,” Bull whispered as he reached to quickly and discreetly entwine his fingers with hers for just a second as they stepped into the lobby.

Marissa smiled as she watched him cross towards Chunk’s office so he could finish getting dressed.  She sent up a little prayer as she usually did when she got ready to start her day.


End file.
